Last Drop Blog

You hear this analogy in relation to life often. It is valid.

Early sobriety is a big valley and it is very overcast in said valley. The peaks may certainly be out there but they are being blocked by the clouds. I am learning that it is ok to be in this valley and accept that I will be for a while. It is normal. I just read an article and PAWS was referenced (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome). It makes you feel sad for a while. They mentioned that this occurs when the brain is recalibrating itself. After drinking almost every weekend for close to 8 years my brain mayyy be recalibrating for some time.

I am writing this in bed on Saturday night. I just left a pregame at a friends apartment after being there for maybe an hour or so. I didn’t have much to say to anyone, I am truly super selfish right now for good reason so chatting it up with friends hasn’t been the same. “How are things?” “What did you do last night?” “When is your trip?” to be quite honest… I don’t care to hear about any of that. I have a focus and the focus is on me and my sobriety. I know that focus will change as I get more comfortable and I will be able to start doing things a little less selfishly. But for now, it is just me.

I am on day 49 of sobriety that is very early. However, I am happy about that number. This is the longest I have gone since I first started drinking. Being at a pregame and not drinking sucked. My vibes are pretty low, I feel like a buzzkill, I don’t have much interest in conversation. I haven’t really explained to anyone my situation. I told maybe one or two friends and my immediate family members. If the time comes, maybe I will explain why I am working on sobriety. Probably wont be going back to many pregames anytime soon.

I watched the documentary on Netflix called “Untold: Breaking Point” last night. It was about Mardy Fish a world famous tennis player. He competed with Nadal, Federer, Roddick and before a major match he shockingly withdrew due to severe anxiety. I couldn’t have watched this at a better time. Getting sober has brought a wave of anxiety over me constantly. I am learning this is normal. Instead of binging all weekend and having sunday scaries (occasionally resulted in full blown panic attacks) I have mild but constant anxiety. I know if I choose to drink sure it will temporarily soothe that fast heartbeat and racing mind but it will have a slingshot effect when I come down with a hangover and I will more than likely have awful awful anxiety. Now, I am just living with the anxiety, although more mild than post bender anxiety, it is much more frustrating and draining. Full transparency there hasn’t been many good days thus far in my sobriety, maybe none at all. I cant imagine if you drank like me and are around my age (24) you will have many good days either at the 50 day point if you choose sobriety. I KNOW I am not alone and that documentary was a great reminder. So if you are down in the dumps and staying in while all your “friends” are out maybe watch the story of Mardy Fish and be inspired by his turnaround.

Please note I put ” ” around friends because I am starting to realize that people who I called friends are more so just drinking buddies. You will hear many sober people mention this realization.

I want to have there be positivity here, I truly do. But I don’t want to be full of shit. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I don’t have much energy or patience. Yes, I will keep going. Sometimes I guess you just need to weather the storms in the valleys to get to the peaks.

That is all for now… stay tuned for positivity. I have faith that it is coming.