Last Drop Blog

It has gotten easier for me to start thinking about drinking again lately. Just yesterday, I was at the Patriots game and I kept having thoughts about a few beers and how that would make me feel. I probably would have felt a little warmer, been a little more comfortable in the crowd, yelled a little louder, maybe even let out a few dumb dance moves to attempt to get on the big screen. In the moment I just kinda toughed it out and recognized I will not be drinking and truthfully I did not have the greatest time. I definitely felt in the moment that I would have enjoyed myself a little more with a buzz.

But for me just getting a buzz is nearly impossible for me to do. It would likely lead to one too many drinks, making a fool of myself, spending too much money, and possibly forgetting what happened. I read countless stories about people who relapse and how after some time sober they ease back into drinking. These people say that for a while they seem to have control and they can moderate BUT after a few days or weeks they find themselves back into their past ways. The thought of that would suck. If I had just a few beers at the game yesterday, I may have been able to keep it together and I may have even had a better time. But it is almost guaranteed that those few beers would lead to a few more the next weekend and the false confidence that I have now become a “normal” drinker. I am far from a “normal” drinker and it is important to remember that regardless of what stage you may be in sobriety. It may be even more important to remember this the further along you get. I don’t want to trick myself into believing a few months sober has likely done the job to make me more comfortable with drinking again.

So this is why I think it is very important to remember your past. I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and that didn’t disappear. I would commonly drink to the point of blacking out. I would convince myself that waking up after a rough night and pouring myself a drink was normal. I would spend countless days so hungover I would be throwing up late into the afternoon or even into the second day of my hangover. I have gone entire weekends without remembering anything, back to back to back blackouts. I have done countless things I regret that left me anxious and uneasy. I could have seriously harmed myself or other people with the actions I took while drunk. I have driven countless times. I have missed days of work by being too hungover. I have gotten kicked out of countless bars for being too drunk and I don’t even remember it. I have passed out in random places. Gotten arrested. Taken trips to the hospital. Lost weight. Been severely sleep deprived. Lost money. Forgotten trips and experiences that should not have been forgotten. The list goes on.

The long story short thing here is… Yes, I probably could have had a few drinks at the game yesterday and I probably could’ve worked to moderate for that game. But, drinking at that one game would likely lead to drinking the next weekend and so on until I started finding myself back into my old ways. Not to mention, I probably would have woken up hungover this morning.

I am finding it important to find and do things that make you happy and make you feel like a decent human being. Take things one day at a time. Think about your actions and how they could impact you. Make decent choices. I am happy I made the choice not to drink yesterday.