Last Drop Blog

I had a bad day yesterday. I havent had the best past couple of weeks. I have been struggling getting out of bed in the mornings, I havent been getting the best sleep, my diet is on and off, and my motivation is hard to find. I had a really hard time doing anything yesterday. It was a Saturday and weekends have been really difficult for me throughout this sobriety journey. I spent a majority of my day battling some bad anxiety and isolating myself. This led to a lot of depressive thoughts. I had myself wondering if I was ever going to get better mentally and if the medication I am taking is bad for me. I got back on medication for depression/anxiety for the second time throughout this sobriety journey. This was after a discussion I had with a therapist and then a doctor. If you feel like prescribed medication may assist you I would urge you to speak to a doctor and therapist if possible. The conclusion we came to was that it is pretty clear I was self-medicating with alcohol for several years and at this time it is better for me to be prescribed medication than for me to risk negative thoughts and the possibility of drinking again. The first time I went on this medication, I let it run its course for about two months and quickly decided I did not want to be on it. I felt like it was cheating in a way and I had a negative perception to drugs even if they were doctor prescribed. This time I am going to give the medication a fair chance for several months. It takes some time for my body to get adjusted to this and I assume my lack of motivation and bad sleep is a result of my body adjusting. I do not want to be on medication for too long and I understand it is not the healthiest thing for your body. However, the alternative for me was drinking for the longest time. A prescribed medication is far better for my body than blacking out a few times a week. Don’t need a doctor to tell me that. Heavy drinking increases the chances of cancer, high blood pressure, stroke, liver disease…. the list goes on and on. As someone who drank very heavily for several years I felt and still feel the impacts it has had on my body and I am only in my early 20’s. If I continued down the path I was on I surely would not have been feeling too hot once I got older and I wouldn’t have been able to turn the clock back to prevent it. Anyways… I got a little off topic there talking about prescribed medication vs. drinking. That’s just where my head goes when I come to terms with my decision to get on medication. I am not ashamed to be on medication and truly feel like it is the right thing for me at this time.

Back to yesterday. A Saturday, decent weather, no work, no plans… sounds pretty chill and relaxing right? Wrong. I woke up very anxious, I knew I probably should have made an effort to get out of my apartment so I did. I walked to the store and went for a run by the water. I was not enjoying myself. Anxiety was winning the entire day. I did not want to be around anyone and socializing was last on my list of things I wanted to do. This led to a mental battle because it was a Saturday and if you don’t know already, I recently moved to a new city. I have goals of meeting new people and finding some friends. I sometimes feel the pressure I put on myself and it weighs on me. The afternoon rolled around and I basically just shut myself off from the world. I stayed in bed and tried my best to calm down. I tried to write a blog and I typed up some shit and never got through it. I was in such a bad headspace that no matter what I wrote I would have convinced myself it was dumb and pointless. When these kinds of days come around I have the hardest time getting out of my own head. I don’t feel tired, I cant relax, I can hardly zone out and watch TV. It truly is a battle and is a reminder that these days can happen no matter what stage you may be in your journey. Sure, I thought about how drinking would get me out of my head and just allow me to calm down. At this point I have dealt with those thoughts enough to know it is not worth it. So all in all I just sat there yesterday and took the mental beating. I just had to accept that eventually I was going to fall asleep and eventually it would be a new day. Eventually I would have another chance to wake up and not feel like total shit. Good news is I had a pretty decent day today. I didn’t really do anything special but I didn’t feel the same way I did yesterday and for that I was grateful. I did some of the things I know I should have done yesterday but couldn’t find the motivation to do.

As I approach 6 months of sobriety I am starting to recognize that bad days happen and will continue to happen regardless of how far along you may be. Sometimes as much as you may not want to you have to take the loss. Yesterday, I had to shut myself off and just fight through some pretty shitty thoughts and feelings. That’s ok and if anyone finds themselves having one of these days it’s ok too. The important thing for me is that I did not drink. I am on my way to being 6 months sober and I am proud of that. I have done so many positive things for myself since making the choice to remove alcohol from my life and days like yesterday can make it very difficult to see that. If you are sober, you have likely made an incredibility difficult decision to prioritize yourself and your health. That decision in itself should be enough to make you proud. You recognized something that was negatively impacting your life and well-being and you took action. That decision has led to many other smaller decisions that you may not even be aware of. You may now be more cautious of what you eat, you may be nicer to friends and family, you may get outside more often, you may respect yourself more.

As I face a new week I am looking to bounce back from this bad day I want to carry on this positive mindset. The choice to get sober has led to many positives in my life and it has and will take time for me to see these. The choice to wake up today and make an honest effort to have a better day than yesterday has led me to writing this blog. A choice I make tomorrow can impact my morning, entire day, or entire week. I am going to try my best to make the right choices this coming week and understand the impact they can have on me. I kinda ran out of gas here and my brain is shutting down but the message I would like to get across is the fact that time heals all things and you might just being doing a whole lot better than you think you are… its just about how you perceive it.