Last Drop Blog

It has been four months since I packed up and moved to Austin, TX. I knew no one here and pretty impulsively decided I would leave my home state of Massachusetts. I honestly didn’t even put much thought into where I wanted to go, I just knew I didn’t want to stay where I was at. I just wanted to live somewhere warm where I could be outside in the winter months and I happened to visit Austin a few years ago. I hopped on a roommate search Facebook page and found myself a decent apartment and pulled the trigger. The month or so leading up to the move and the month after were pretty difficult. It was the holidays, I was still pretty early on in my sobriety and I was not on any medication. I just kinda sat with a lot of stress and uncertainty. I just tried to remind myself that the worst case scenario was me simply just packing back up again and moving home. In the back of my mind though I knew I would not regret the decision. Regardless, I knew I would be able to take something from the move and learn more about myself. This has proven to be true and I can confidently say I have learned more about myself in these past few months than I have in the past few years.

When I first got down here I needed to get settled and I did not like how that was gonna take some time. I was pretty anxious and impatient. I didn’t have a car, friends, or a general idea of my surroundings. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get comfortable fast and to make friends. After a month or so I understood and accepted that I couldn’t force those things and it was better to let things unfold naturally and over time. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to sit back and wait. I started to enjoy the simple things and started to get more comfortable in my sobriety. I looked to exercise a lot to take my mind off of things and just started reminding myself that I did not need to do anything I did not want to do. I got used to weekends in sobriety, something I struggled with for the longest time and still struggle with on occasion. I realized that I am happiest when I am consistently busy and productive and protecting my own time. I realized that when I start to get anxious and have depressive thoughts that the easiest way for me to avoid that is to get busy. I take a drive, go for a walk, go to the gym, the driving range, play golf, go fishing, clean my apartment, buy shit I probably shouldn’t buy.

I started to realize that as much as it is important to have friends and a social circle it is equally important to have a good relationship with yourself. Being able to spend time with yourself and truly enjoy your own company is a great feeling. I had always struggled with getting out and doing things by myself. If a friend bailed on plans or no one wanted to tag along to do something, I would likely just not go. I still struggle at times with getting out and doing things solo but I rarely look at it as a burden. At times I actually enjoy it more. There is no stress around making plans with others and you have the freedom to simply do what you feel like doing in that moment. At first I kinda thought what I was doing was a little sad and depressing…. I think that is because I was looking at it from the perspective of other people and not my own. I guess if you think about it… I did kinda just pack up and leave my home state/city, family, and social circle at the time behind. But I did it for the best reason and that was to prioritize myself. I have been able to spend time enjoying my own company. I have met some good friends that I enjoy spending time with and did so pretty naturally without applying unnecessary pressure on myself to do so. I recognize when I may be feeling up for socializing and when it may be best for me to hang in or spend time alone and I no longer see that as isolating or being lonely or just being boring.

I have also come to realize that it feels good to be a good person and to be nice to other people. I had a hard time being a good person when I was not prioritizing myself and was an active alcoholic. The more I start to get comfortable in my own skin and the more I enjoy my own company the easier it gets to be my true self around others. So before you try and accomplish what you initially set out to do for the year, the month, your lifetime, or even the day ahead I would urge you to first and foremost make sure you have a good relationship with yourself. It is ok if you don’t think you do at this very moment as long as you can recognize it and work to better that relationship you will be happy you did.