Last Drop Blog

I havent really checked my sobriety counter all that much lately. If I can think back to it, I have felt pretty decent about choosing not to drink after about 6 or 7 months. The shift from “I can’t drink” to “I don’t drink” happened around the 6 month mark. I have spent some time lately reflecting and have been getting pretty emotional trying to deal with the feelings I have. I used to turn to drinking to ease my mind it was the easiest way for me to shut off my always racing brain. I have been dealing with a fair amount of loneliness trying to balance protecting my space and time while also trying to not isolate and close myself off to new relationships. I have an addictive personality hence the drinking problem and it didn’t just go away when I decided to get sober. I apply a lot of pressure on myself to “get better” and work on being happy when at times the best thing for me to do is to just sit and reflect. A lot of the emotions I have been feeling lately are brand new to my sober brain and however I choose to react to them are valid. It is all a learning experience and I have really started to lean into my belief in fate. I fully believe that everything happens for a reason and at the exact time it is supposed to happen in your life. It is important to reflect on how you react to these life events and how you perceive the experiences you find yourself in. I have been seeing the quote “sometimes the loneliness journeys wind up being the greatest ones” or something along those lines and I am starting to believe that to be true. It is ok to be alone, to take the time you need to discover who you are. I was on vacation a few days ago sitting on the beach and watching the waves and I found myself holding back tears. Truthfully sometimes I find myself wanting to just cry at times and I have a really hard time determining why. I think this recent time was for good reasons. I have an incredibly difficult time quieting my mind, the past year or so it has felt like I am constantly exhausted because I couldn’t get my mind to just stop racing. It got so frustrating and I times I started to wonder what in the world was wrong with me and my brain. I have just been searching for peace and working really hard at trying to feel happy. Honestly, at my lowest there were times where I just wanted to feel something even it was painful. When I was sitting on the beach I felt free from my mind for the first time in a long time. Things just kind of slowed down for me and I just felt like for that brief moment I had found what I was searching long and hard for and that was just peace and happiness. You can beat your thoughts. You can go through some really really shitty times and get to a point where you are grateful for those times. I am not saying that my mental health issues and sobriety journey have been perfected because of this brief moment, in fact I had some bad moments on that vacation too. But I finally felt like I can get better and that moments like that can start to happen more often. I don’t need to go through life battling negative thoughts and bash myself on a regular basis because I didn’t stay true to my inner voice. You are not defined by your thoughts. I believe everyone is deserving of happiness. I have discovered through my 290 days of sobriety that I set some really high standards for myself and apply a lot of pressure on myself. It is not healthy. I need to start being happy for what I have while still maintaining a drive to improve. I have a supportive family, good friends, good health, a good job, and 290 days of sobriety. Life does not always need to be go go go and questioning when the next big life event will happen. Things will play out for you the way they were intended, your path is already drawn out and if you continue to keep doing the right things you will find happiness along the way. I still certainly have goals I want to achieve but right now I am in a place where I want to and need to stop and slow down. I don’t need to do anything out of the ordinary. I just need to continue to be my own biggest supporter and try my best to remain proud of myself. I really hope that anyone out there that may read this knows that it gets better. When you are in the shitty times nothing anyone will tell you will stick… I even remember hearing people say things will turn around and I wanted to believe them but I just couldn’t. My mindset was so negative and that was and is not my fault. Be good to yourself. I intend to practice positive self talk and reinforce it through writing/journaling. Just have a little trust and faith that you are where you need to be right now and good things are coming when you will need it most.