Last Drop Blog

“Slumbering in every human being lies an infinity of possibilities, which one must not arouse in vain. For it is terrible when the whole man resonates with echoes and echoes, none becoming a real voice.” – Elias Canetti, Notes from Hampstead

I sometimes think on conversations I have had with others and feel like I spoke too impulsively or ambitiously. It is imperative, I have learned, to try your best to be cautious of what you share out loud with others and to be cautious of who you share things with.

Not everyone is your friend. Not everyone will understand your personal goals. Not everyone will have the belief you have in yourself. Some things are better left between you and maybe if you’re lucky some people close to you that you trust will understand and that you trust will see your vision.

The whole grind in silence/stay down till you come up mentality can often be viewed as unnecessary and people around you may poke and prod trying to figure out what you’ve been up to. You may feel compelled to share some of the things you’re working on and in some cases you should. In some cases however, I have felt it is important to trust yourself enough to know what should be kept close to the heart. Only you will know when to do this.

The reason I have started to feel that it is important to keep some of your aspirations and goals close to your chest is that you are constantly changing and evolving as a person. Something you may have wanted for yourself today you may no longer feel in tune with a year from now. If you went ahead and shared that want with others they may ask you how its been or how its going. Unfortunately, you will have to let them know you are no longer pursuing that thing. Although you truly owe it to nobody to explain why, it is very hard to not feel like you didn’t see that thing through.

I have incredibly high expectations for myself and that has been a definite downfall of mine. It can be unhealthy. I also believe if that energy is harnessed well, it can lead to success. I am still trying to figure that out.

Good things take time. Burnout happens. Life happens. Goals change. It is ok to put down things that are no longer serving you or bringing in too much unhealthy stress. We are all learning who we really are and what best serves us.

I personally want to get to a place where I feel as if I can manage my expectations in a healthy way. I want to understand why I aspire to achieve things before I set out to do so. I am impulsive. That is absolutely one thing my drinking taught me. I never spent time thinking things through. I sometimes still dont.

I do not want to be a man who resonates with echoes and echoes, none becoming a real voice. To do so, I believe I need to minimize the echoes. Figuring out what you really want out of your life is a challenge in itself. It requires tons of trial and error. Not everything is meant to be a success. If anything coming up short on a goal may be a sign that it wasn’t the one for you to chase.

I have been the person that says out loud I want to do this and that and that and this and never followed through many of times. That beats you down and you feel as if you are behind in your life. Slow down. Don’t say you want to do something if you have no real plan or desire to do it. If you do have a plan and desire to do it maybe you should just start and see how its going first before letting people close to you know what you have been up to. Feeling lost is a common trend in my life right now and I imagine as am ambitious 26 year old I am not alone. I spent most of my early 20’s thinking about what my life could be like while kinda just fucking off most of the time and not trying anything new. At least now, I can be grateful that I removed drinking. The one thing that I had little to no control over and the one thing that my impulsivity gravitated toward.

I feel like this post has been all over the place and most of the time these posts are total brain dumps. Most of these posts truly are impulsive and my way of just sharing my thoughts. I judge myself quite a bit when I write. My high expectations get in the way as I write these. This is kind of, in a way, my version of working on these expectations.

I think it is pretty normal to be both ambitious and lost. Working to try new things, setting goals, putting them down, setting new ones and repeating can be your way of figuring it all out. I put way too much pressure on myself already, I know what I am capable of achieving. If I lose sight in that, I know how to work on regaining that belief in myself. I have the answers for myself and as much as I would want to share aspirations with others, I wont gain any value from their response to me sharing.

To relate this to sobriety more directly. I didn’t share my goal to quit drinking with too many people until I was comfortable. I knew when I was ready to start letting people know I was serious this time. I wouldn’t have wanted to be uncertain about my decision and have everyone around me know I was “newly sober”. Hopefully you have a few people close to you that you trust and appreciate that you can go to with anything at anytime. Other than these people, trust your gut.