Last Drop Blog

There are so many signs that can easily be ignored in life. As a recovering alcoholic with 3+ years sobriety I am slowly but surely learning how easy it is for me to bury my feelings.

I drank for many many reasons. I drank to forget. I drank to feel what I did not want to feel. I drank for confidence. I drank to alleviate pain.

The importance of sobriety is to dig deeper into the “why”. A substance abuse issue is serious not just because of abusing substances but because of why you find yourself abusing substances.

For myself anxiety and depression are the deeper factors. Within these things are deeper factors and so on and so forth.

Sometimes life is just shitty. Don’t take it from me. Take it from the countless people who inspire me and motivate me to be better. Even they admit to going through very difficult time still to this day.

Fear of feelings is common. Being fearful is ok. It will never go away. EVERYONE has a sense of fear. I think it can be so easy to romanticize a perfect life and feel as if you are working towards a life filled with only positive feelings.

That life does not exist and it is for the best. Feeling shit even really hard shit feels good because it reminds you that you are here. You are human just like everyone else. Nothing you feel hasnt been felt before by others. I say that not to make you feel like you are “not unique” but to know that you are not alone in this.

It took me a lot to only recently admit to myself that I am still struggling with anxiety and depressions. For me to admit that it has been controlling me for quite some time.

I stopped going to therapy. I stopped taking antidepressants. I stopped having vulnerable conversations. I stopped crying. I stopped communicating appropriately to the ones I loved. I was in denial for a long long time.

I did the work too. I am 3+ years sober and that did not come with no work. When you start feeling better and start feeling emotions in general is when it is MOST IMPORTANT TO CONTINUE DOING THE WORK. If going to therapy made you feel better DO NOT STOP GOING TO THERAPY. If going to AA made you feel better DO NOT STOP GOING TO AA. If planning a coffee chat with a sober friend makes you feel better KEEP PLANNING COFFEE CHATS. If calling you friends and loved ones consistently makes you feel better CALL.

I say these things with love. I say them with love and forgiveness to myself. I say them with love to whoever reads this.

It is ok if you disregarded things that are important to you. Sometimes how you feel is not your fault. I put so much pressure on myself the past year or so.

I blinded myself and shut myself down. I isolated. I avoided my feelings. I distracted myself. I was on total auto-pilot. I hurt people in doing this.

Some signs that showed me I was depressed and not healthy mentally now that I can reflect because I admit I am depressed are: not answering calls and being slow to respond to others, craving isolation often (being out somewhere and thinking about how being home by myself would feel better), feeling great pressure with how I eat and what I eat, feeling like I need to physically exercise in order to be happy in that very moment (“if i dont go to the gym today I am a piece of shit” kinda thoughts… “if I dont take this yoga class I could have a panic attack”), feeling overwhelmed the very moment I wake up, struggling to fall asleep, tightness in my chest and throat, struggling to speak in tense moments, shutting down when overwhelmed (commonly out in public around a lot of people), feeling like meeting up with friends and doing things is A LOT to comprehend, intense indecisiveness. The list goes on.

What I have come to learn is that these things are not normal and that is ok. It is important to recognize that these things are not normal so you can catch them when they happen.

To notice these things I personally need to actively try to be more in tune with my emotional self. It helps being in therapy which I am excited to be going back to in a few days. It helps checking in with myself consistently through practicing mindfulness. It helps when I am actively trying to slow down each day through walks, grounding, deep conversation. It does help when I am exercising and moving my body however for me, this was really all I was doing to maintain my mental health. As a guy I notice it not just in myself but in many others… simply lifting weights is not enough to be mentally healthy. For me lifting weights is not and cannot be viewed as “therapy”. Does it make me feel good nearly every time? Yes. However relying on simply lifting weights as the sole thing to do to increase the state of my physical and mental health is not sustainable.

I come from a family of alcoholics. I was not born into poverty. I was cared for and provided for. I grew up in a nice suburban town in Massachusetts. I had great friends growing up. I played sports. I did all the things that would commonly be seen as normal and healthy for a child to do.

Yet still, I suffer with anxiety and depression. I am a recovering alcoholic who abused substances for 8 years.

No one is immune to mental health struggles. You are not alone. Your problems are no smaller than others. Your problems are the most important things in your life.

Solve them and know that you do not and likely should not try to solve them alone.

If you are reading this know that I have problems and I am accepting them and actively working to solve them. I am heading to a recovering meeting for the first time in years, I am going back to therapy for the first time since June 2023, I am reminding myself that I am depressed and anxious and that is ok.

You are not alone.