Last Drop Blog

My sobriety date is 8/8/2021. I “white knuckled” the first three or so years of my sobriety. For people not familiar, that typically means no AA meetings, no rehab, no treatment facilities, no strong sober support group.

I was young when I made the decision to stop drinking, relatively speaking. I was 23 about to turn 24. I was a weekend binge drinker. I managed to get by during my active drinking days. I graduated college. I held full time-jobs. I moved out from home. I paid rent. I socialized. They typical shit. I never went to rehab. I never hit a true true rock bottom. Although everyones rock bottom may look differently. For me it was a collection of rough nights, declining health, depressed Sunday’s, anxious Monday’s and a whole lot of darkness surrounding my future.

When I made the decision to stop drinking. I told a handful of people. I tried to continue on with my life as usual. I struggled with my anxiety more than ever. I had to seek medical help within the first two or three weeks for my anxiety. I got on medication. I went to therapy. I even packed my things and moved to an entirely new city.

I had a strong hunch that I needed sober friends. I knew that I was drawn to isolation. I went to a sober event and was blessed to meet a great friend. It was within my first few weeks of living in a new city too. I learned a bit about AA through this friend. I met some more people. I had some professional success. I hit 6 months sober. I was able to ride some highs that life provided me when I so desperately needed them.

Time passed and I continued to stay sober. I still cannot say I was generally happy however. I had my moments, days, or weeks. I was able to travel to cool places, meet cool people, achieve some financial success. I say this to point out that the external things were keeping me afloat mentally. What I refused to realize and what life would soon teach me is my happiness must come from within and I must work for it in ways I may have not yet practiced.

Life went on. I hit two years sober and then three. I struggled with being what I would call a “dry drunk”. Someone who is still sober but refrains from working on the deeper emotional issues that may have gotten them to abuse substances.

I found myself angry quite a bit. I found myself so so lost in life as of recent. I was certainly afraid. I was having a very hard time allowing myself to feel sad. I thought I deserved a whole lot more that what I was getting.

I needed to face my feelings recently and it took a lot for me to do this. It took getting fired from a job, it took conversations from loved ones, it took upcoming events building internal stress, and ultimately it took a breakdown.

I needed to admit that I was lost. I was unhappy. I was depressed. I was angry. I needed help. I knew I needed to get more active in my sobriety and I knew that giving AA an honest try was worth it. I was lucky enough to have met some great friends in recovery and was able to connect with them during this time.

Being reminded that how you may be feeling in these times has once been felt by a friend is a needed relief. I needed to breakdown to call these people. I needed to breakdown to go to my first AA meeting after being sober for 3 years and 3 months. I needed to admit to others I was in a bad place mentally. I needed to do so to be accountable to myself.

I havent just magically gotten happy and found my way recently. I have however learned to understand what may be more sustainable for me in my life going forward. Remaining close to people who are in recovery is very important to me. These people inspire me. These people build me and others around them up. These people work consistently to understand what some of their flaws may be. These people work to remain humble and admit when they are in the wrong.

From the outside looking in things can happen to you in life that may be incredible and evoke jealousy from others. What others will never know is how you feel about yourself internally. That to me is and needs to continue to be my top priority in life. I say that not because I owe it to myself but more importantly, I owe it to anyone and everyone I encounter in this lifetime.

I can be pessimistic often. I complain all the time. I can let my problems be everyone else’s. I can “me me me” my way into losing good relationships. I can be rude to total strangers. All because I lean into unsustainable life ways for the sole purpose of pleasing myself.

What is important to me now is trying to be better at identifying when I fall back into these thoughts. Identifying when I am leaning into self centeredness, which I have the past few weeks or so, and newsflash I havent been that happy. Going to my support system. Connecting to bigger picture things. Recognizing that I have limited control over life as a whole. Understanding that what is ultimately important is how I treat other human beings.

I am back in therapy. I go to at least one AA meeting a week and have since October. I try (emphasis on try) to ask my family and friends how they’re doing more often. (This has made me realize maybe how little I have done so in the past). I try to let go when life feels unmanageable. I try to be more honest with how I am feeling.

I have noticed that the more effort I put into trying to do these things the more presently I show up. The more I am less concerned with me and my life. The more I am happy.

Love you all. Truly wish each and everyone of you happiness. I hope that you can remain open to opportunities that may come your way. I hope you find inspiration to learn and grow. I hope that if you are struggling right now you can find the strength to admit it. I hope if you find the strength to admit it you feel a weight come off your shoulder and you feel more open to the help from others. People are out there ready and willing to help.