Last Drop Blog

• 7:00 am Wake Up
• 7:01 am Panic

This has been my reality for quite some time. I have been having an incredibly difficult time with life in general.

Consumed in self. Uncertain. Unhappy.

I only recently came to accept I was not in a great place mentally. It is not expected to bounce back and feel like I am 100%.

I started a demanding job. I have disliked it a lot (don’t get me started). I have found myself complaining often. Wishing for some better reality. Wondering what it is I truly want out of life. Wondering how I can change my current reality.

Trying to press some of the buttons that are out of my reach. When I get like this I get really impulsive. I try to make situations worse for myself. I am drawn to letting it all burn.

I am being shown why it truly is unsustainable to be consumed in self for long periods of time.

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others” – Ghandi

For my entire life I simply assumed to find my way I must look inward. I must wake up at a certain time. I must introduce more struggle.

This mindset has always failed me.

Going back to my previous blog about faith I have learned that this is how I sustain.

I control so little in this life. The time I have here on this earth is not solely for me. This is a communal existence.

I don’t have too much to say. I just felt like coming on here and saying that truthfully I am still struggling but I do want to say it feels like a new struggle.

It feels like struggle that is necessary to establish boundaries, to see the importance of human connection, to let go from the controlling mindset that gets me nowhere, to feel less consumed in self.

It is funny that selfishness is one of the largest themes in sobriety yet it took me over 3 years of removing the substance to acknowledge that I was and am indeed selfish. I do not say that to talk down on myself. I say that because I believe we all owe it to ourselves to be open to discovering more about who we are.

Life is a work in progress. No one has the secret formula. I am just grateful that I was able to sit here and write this without spiraling about that thing I am going to wake up and do tomorrow morning that I will not name.

Got some good people around me in my life right now.