Last Drop Blog

Last November I made a post about not knowing what I am doing and what I want to be doing. It is now the following September and I feel the exact same way. It is quite frustrating to say the least but it is also a bit reassuring. Here is why it is frustrating. Not much has changed career wise. I did get a job shortly after that post and I no longer have said job. Around that time last year I was unemployed for several months following a lay off. I got a job as a golf cart attendant at a local golf course to try and stay busy and make a little bit of money. I quit after a month or two. I put a lot of effort in trying to land a new full time job. The past two roles I had were high earning roles in tech sales. This time last year I was trying and trying to find a similar role at a similar salary and I struggled quite a bit. Ever since I graduated college in 2019 it was fairly easy for me to land a job. I was recruited for an entry level sales role out of college. I applied via Indeed and was hired within a week or two for my second job. I had a referral and a short one to two week interview process for my third job. I had a one week turnaround for my 4th job. For my 5th job it was the same. I had know based off of being laid off three times that the job market wasn’t the greatest. During covid a company I worked at took a massive hit and laid off me and my entire department of over 20 people. Last year I was laid off alongside my entire department as well. I was lucky enough to have another job lined up. I frankly hated that job as soon as I started it and was ready to quit. I remember a former colleague advised me to not do so because it was one of the worst job markets they have seen. I took their advice and stuck it out but my role was removed months after. I didn’t perform well at that role and it was the first role I was kind of fired from. In the past I either flat out quit on my own or was apart of a major company lay off.

Just recently I was again fired from another sales role. It was not my choice.

Admittedly, I took the recent role somewhat out of desperation. I sort of thought it would be a role that I could take a lot from and grow from or at least I convinced myself of that. I was nearing 7 months of unemployed life and money was tight. I took a very low level role compared to what I was accustomed to and took a massive pay decrease compared to what I was making at the start of last year. I was essentially told that if I did nearly everything perfect and then some I could have made X amount of money and that number was still significantly lower than what I was familiar with making. I was not motivated at this role and the job didn’t work well for me. I would work super hard in bursts and I would slack off and rinse and repeat. Going the extra mile didn’t quite mean much to me and truthfully I dont exactly know why I felt this way. I just wasn’t excited about the job at all. It also involved cold calling which was something I hadn’t done since graduating college in 2019 and starting my first sales role. I hated and still hate cold calling. It was not something I had to do at various other roles and I enjoyed those jobs much more. It is truly not for me. In the sales world it can be viewed as weak to say that and people may tell you something like “thats because you havent done it enough” or toss some motivational quote your way. The truth is I hate it and I do not want to be in a position to do it again. I did realize yet again that I dislike sales or at least that level of sales. It still felt shitty to get fired from another job.

So here I am nearly a year later from writing that last blog about having no idea what I want to do. I feel very similar. Money will likely again be tight soon. It still feels very hard to land a job. Many of the jobs I worked in the past I had a disliking for. I roughly know what I hate and what I can tolerate when it comes to most corporate work.

So here I am faced with a similar situation to the one I was in last year. This time around I at the very least know what I hate. I know what will drive me to the point of not caring. I know what wont motivate me.

I have been realizing that not knowing what you want to do is a normal feeling. I have asked friends and people around me what they would do if they lost their job and many of which had no solid answer. I have chatted with friends who work as teachers if they enjoy their work. Every single one responded “yes”. They all said they leave work more often than not happy and excited to be back the next day.

That is really the only frame of reference I had for non office jobs. Maybe if you can take one thing away from this it should be to text a friend who works in a very different career than you and ask if they enjoy what they do. Maybe reach out to someone in a career that you always were curious about and ask them how it makes them feel.

My questions now is “do I try my best to lean into that career or job that seems a bit more interesting to me that would force me to start from the ground up OR do I lean back into a job that I can likely tolerate but somewhat hate?” I think the answer is quite obvious but I am also learning a lot about being an adult and financial responsibilities. Deep down in my heart I truly believe if you can find what you are truly passionate about and work hard enough and remain curious you can find ways to have that financially support you. I also know that I have a responsibility to myself and to the people closest to me to be financially stable.

I just wanted to yet again share that even though nearly a year has passed I still have no idea what I am doing. I feel quite ok about it. If you are in the same boat I believe you should too. The alternative is not knowing what you want to do and feeling bad about it. If I can remain at ease and lean into my faith and trust in my abilities, I can find myself in solid positions to never settle and fall back to comfortable circumstances.

There is some pressure in being now in my late 20s and having a bit more of a grasp on my sobriety and general well being. I feel as if I should be settled into a career of some sorts that I at least have insight into what the next few years would look like.

But I dont. I believe I dont because that is not how I am supposed to be living my life right now. It is supposed to be someone uncertain and stressful career wise. It came at a time where I am much stronger mentally too. If these career hardships came when I was only one year sober or just a few months I would likely have been a wreck.

Everything happens for a reason. Challenging times force you to look inward and put things into perspective. It is a blessing to have something like a job you disliked removed from your life unwillingly. If if never happened how long would you have let yourself continue to stick around?

If you feel challenged in your life now. I hope you can find time to reflect on how you gotten to this point and why you think you are being challenged.

I likely will record a video recapping the past three years and covering some topics that I feel will be meaningful for others.

First off, I am grateful for this blog. Even if nobody reads it, it still holds immense value to me. It has taught me to understand why you should do things for you. It has taught me to take action even when you don’t necessarily know why you are doing something. It has taught me to be authentic. It has taught me to be patient. It has taught me to reflect.

This blog has been my sobriety sidekick. I have sat down to type on this laptop many many times. I have written blogs when I was depressed. I have written blogs when I was angry. I have written blogs when I was proud. I have written blogs when I was uncertain. I have written blogs when I wanted to and when I have not.

Writing, like many things, is an outlet. For me, it is one of the best outlets. There are not too many things that get me to sit down and focus on the bigger picture quite like writing.

I do not think I would be in the place I am today without writing. For someone reading this, I hope you find your outlet or your “sobriety sidekick”.

I was in deep thought just yesterday on a walk. Reflecting about the past three years and how things have changed. How I have grown. Things that I used to care about that I no longer do. Things that I never cared about that now are in the forefront of my life. Things that I used to fear. Things that brought me anxiety. Things that brought me stress and sadness. Things that made me happy.

The decision to stop drinking was HUGE for me. I cannot emphasize that enough. I notice a monumental shift in who I am today because of it. The past three years seem like an entirely new journey, not just a new chapter of life.

Why did I stop? I recognized that drinking was something I had no control over. I couldn’t not blackout.

Was it hard to stop? Yes, some of the hardest moments of my life were in the first year to two years of my sobriety journey.

Will you ever drink again? Highly unlikely. I have zero desire to and I truly believe I will never be someone who can casually drink.

What do you do now that you don’t drink? I live my life. I truly feel like now, after three years, I never even opened myself up to my life before. I never let myself feel my emotions properly. I never dug deeper into who I was and what I enjoy out of this life. So I do those things now.

I will pick three of my biggest takeaways from three years of sobriety. It is hard to select just three so this is simply how I am feeling right now in this moment of reflection.

1. Substance Abuse is deeper than the substance. I drank to avoid my feelings and my circumstances. Turns out I suffered from incredibly low self esteem issues, lack of self worth, depression and anxiety. Drinking made all those things worse not better.
2. You get out what you put in. It was time for me to start being realistic about my life when I decided I needed to stop drinking. When you treat your mind and body like shit you feel like shit. The silver lining to that is when you treat your mind and body well you start to feel better more consistently. It is on you to understand if the work you have been putting into yourself is sufficient enough. You know the answer to that, trust me.
3. The journey is the reward. When you are chasing a better version of yourself, it can become quite easy to never shut that engine off or slow it down. Many of the things you have once wished for already came true, you just blinded yourself to that by creating new wishes. I have so many lifelong memories through my three years of sobriety. Some intense memories filled with sadness, anger, fear, joy, pride and love. They are all my memories. They help me feel human and connected to this life. At many points in my past, I did not.

I have truly changed the course of my life from one decision. To some that may feel over the top and hard to believe but without a doubt I have.

I recall commenting on a post in a sober forum in the early months of my sobriety and the question was, what is your why? What is your reason for staying sober today?

To that I answered: The thought of growing older and never really figuring out who I really am.

…….

If you are struggling with your drinking or anything related, and want to make a serious change. The best thing you can do it let people know. You are not alone. We are all unique yet we are all very similar. A raw and authentic conversation can go an incredibly long way. Do not be afraid to have them. I am available to chat and share more about my journey for anyone reading this interested. You can

Reasons I have learned to appreciate writing.

It has a direct correlation to the way I speak and how I am able to voice my thoughts. I have been able to converse more confidently with others. The more consistent I am with writing/journaling the better I notice my conversation skills are.

I am basically writing my own self help book. Many of my journal entries and blogs are repetitive, they just typically have different subjects. I can go back and read past journal entries and blogs and take my own advice for what may be happening now. I can prevent myself from making the same mistakes over and over again by reflecting on my past entries and blogs. I can see how far I’ve come on my journey and find motivation to keep going and growing through past journal entries. 

It slows things down. When you actually sit down to write it is nearly impossible to think about other things. There is no multitasking when it comes to writing, especially if you are physically writing pen to paper. You can get a good gauge on where your head is at in that current moment. If it feels nearly impossible to write down cohesive thoughts you may be overwhelmed. If your writing flows you may be at ease.

It makes me more real and truthful about what is going on in my life. It is easy to stretch the truth when speaking to others. It is hard to do so when your are writing in a journal. For example you may tell others “I journal everyday”. But when you open it up to write and the past entry is from a week and a half ago, you have to face that truth. If you are anything like me that next entry probably has something along the lines of “I would like to journal more consistently”.

It has improved my memory. Life moves so fast. it can be hard to remember when you did something, who you did it with, and what exactly it was. When you write it down it becomes a lot easier. Don’t let memories fade away faster than you’d like them to.

I care less about materialistic things. This one takes some retrospection and reading into my writing a bit more. But, not once in the past few years have I written in my journal about buying something materialistic. What is almost always top of mind is how I am feeling, who I have been spending time with, my career, fitness, socializing and other real life topics.

I better understand the importance of taking action and just jumping into something. Any daily or weekly habits can be tough to get yourself to start. When you finally put pen to paper however sometimes I end up writing for quite some time or just spend 30 minutes or so in productive thought. You can easily spend more time thinking about doing something than it would actually take to do the thing. AND once you do the thing you can almost immediately realize how much you needed it or how much it was actually enjoyable and not a monotonous task.

All in all journaling makes you realize how unique yet similar your journey is to others existing amongst you. It gives you a better idea as to what you may want, who you are, and how to approach future life events. I fear too many of us seek validation and support from others. I am guilty of it that’s for sure. No one other than you will know what is right for you.

“Slumbering in every human being lies an infinity of possibilities, which one must not arouse in vain. For it is terrible when the whole man resonates with echoes and echoes, none becoming a real voice.” – Elias Canetti, Notes from Hampstead

I sometimes think on conversations I have had with others and feel like I spoke too impulsively or ambitiously. It is imperative, I have learned, to try your best to be cautious of what you share out loud with others and to be cautious of who you share things with.

Not everyone is your friend. Not everyone will understand your personal goals. Not everyone will have the belief you have in yourself. Some things are better left between you and maybe if you’re lucky some people close to you that you trust will understand and that you trust will see your vision.

The whole grind in silence/stay down till you come up mentality can often be viewed as unnecessary and people around you may poke and prod trying to figure out what you’ve been up to. You may feel compelled to share some of the things you’re working on and in some cases you should. In some cases however, I have felt it is important to trust yourself enough to know what should be kept close to the heart. Only you will know when to do this.

The reason I have started to feel that it is important to keep some of your aspirations and goals close to your chest is that you are constantly changing and evolving as a person. Something you may have wanted for yourself today you may no longer feel in tune with a year from now. If you went ahead and shared that want with others they may ask you how its been or how its going. Unfortunately, you will have to let them know you are no longer pursuing that thing. Although you truly owe it to nobody to explain why, it is very hard to not feel like you didn’t see that thing through.

I have incredibly high expectations for myself and that has been a definite downfall of mine. It can be unhealthy. I also believe if that energy is harnessed well, it can lead to success. I am still trying to figure that out.

Good things take time. Burnout happens. Life happens. Goals change. It is ok to put down things that are no longer serving you or bringing in too much unhealthy stress. We are all learning who we really are and what best serves us.

I personally want to get to a place where I feel as if I can manage my expectations in a healthy way. I want to understand why I aspire to achieve things before I set out to do so. I am impulsive. That is absolutely one thing my drinking taught me. I never spent time thinking things through. I sometimes still dont.

I do not want to be a man who resonates with echoes and echoes, none becoming a real voice. To do so, I believe I need to minimize the echoes. Figuring out what you really want out of your life is a challenge in itself. It requires tons of trial and error. Not everything is meant to be a success. If anything coming up short on a goal may be a sign that it wasn’t the one for you to chase.

I have been the person that says out loud I want to do this and that and that and this and never followed through many of times. That beats you down and you feel as if you are behind in your life. Slow down. Don’t say you want to do something if you have no real plan or desire to do it. If you do have a plan and desire to do it maybe you should just start and see how its going first before letting people close to you know what you have been up to. Feeling lost is a common trend in my life right now and I imagine as am ambitious 26 year old I am not alone. I spent most of my early 20’s thinking about what my life could be like while kinda just fucking off most of the time and not trying anything new. At least now, I can be grateful that I removed drinking. The one thing that I had little to no control over and the one thing that my impulsivity gravitated toward.

I feel like this post has been all over the place and most of the time these posts are total brain dumps. Most of these posts truly are impulsive and my way of just sharing my thoughts. I judge myself quite a bit when I write. My high expectations get in the way as I write these. This is kind of, in a way, my version of working on these expectations.

I think it is pretty normal to be both ambitious and lost. Working to try new things, setting goals, putting them down, setting new ones and repeating can be your way of figuring it all out. I put way too much pressure on myself already, I know what I am capable of achieving. If I lose sight in that, I know how to work on regaining that belief in myself. I have the answers for myself and as much as I would want to share aspirations with others, I wont gain any value from their response to me sharing.

To relate this to sobriety more directly. I didn’t share my goal to quit drinking with too many people until I was comfortable. I knew when I was ready to start letting people know I was serious this time. I wouldn’t have wanted to be uncertain about my decision and have everyone around me know I was “newly sober”. Hopefully you have a few people close to you that you trust and appreciate that you can go to with anything at anytime. Other than these people, trust your gut.

Another realization from yoga the other week. A well paced class typically allows me to be the most present I can be. Things are moving constantly but not at an overwhelming speed. Breaks are well deserved but not overused. You are teetering the line of being in control and being pushed out of it.

This felt like a great approach for your life. At least your life in your mid-late 20s where you feel like really chasing something. It is also a great reminder that when you have a thought that can be applicable to your own life, that it is not original. In fact, there are likely hundreds of thousands of maybe even millions of people who have thought about what you’re thinking about. You can likely search vaguely around on the internet for what you’ve been thinking about lately and find articles, videos, movies, research papers all relating to said thought. It can be incredibly reassuring to do so and give you the trust to dive deeper into these thoughts and take action in your life. I have found it beneficial to go find some content out there that may be already existing when I have these thoughts. It flexes your curiosity muscles. You’ll likely never be more interested in these kinds of subjects or topics than you will be in that very moment. So I think the next time you have a real life experience that you think has a deeper meaning you should explore it a bit instead of just let it pass on.

For me most of these experiences happen when I am practicing yoga or doing some sort of exercise outside. It is typically when I am not consumed by my typical day to day thoughts and just being present in the moment which I have learned you have to work for.

This is where keeping a good pace can play to your benefit. You cant have everything be go, go, go or else you’ll never give yourself the time to explore passing thoughts, moments of inspiration, sit through a conversation that you think is taking up too much of your time, etc. You also cant just sit inside by yourself all day thinking your next great move will come to you. In that case you will start to to get wildly comfortable in your space. It can be incredibly detrimental and isolation is not something you want to mess with for too long. So all in all, the overlying theme of this post is, balance. Which we all know is what literally everyone will preach. But it is not just something you can tell yourself is important. It is something you have to practice. Every breakthrough thought you have is just a future action that you truly must take. For me that yoga class I had a breakthrough thought. I discovered that I really enjoyed the class because of the pace. I discovered that you should control the pace of your life in a way that you can really enjoy it. Therefore, I must take action on creating a well balanced lifestyle. I must push myself. I must rest. I must think. I must give myself grace. I must practice gratitude. I must write. I must do all these things because I had a feeling that only I knew what was best for me. The crazy thing is someone in that yoga class may have walked out thinking it was the worst class ever and they wished it was slower or faster or louder or quieter. For them they may not have had any good thoughts.

In life, you will have many moments that only impact you and no one else. They can be tiny daily things or they can be monumental life moments. It is up to you to dive however deep or shallow into what you think these moments mean. They may just be changing the way you have been living and you may not even realize it.

Grateful to have people around me who challenge and inspire me to pursue growth. Grateful for good conversations. Life can feel challenging and that is likely because you brought on the challenge. You determined you wanted what was best for yourself so you took a step in the direction that you thought was best. That in itself is enough to be proud of. Even thinking about what your’e currently doing and wondering if it is right for you is progress. Growth is purposeful. Your thoughts are purposeful. Your actions are brave.

Just pulled up my sober tracker for the first time in a long long time. I think I did so because I am starting to notice more and more the amount of change that this decision has brought into my life. Good things take time. Most of the time you likely wont know what kinds of change a hard decision will bring into your life. That in itself can be scary, it can be enough for someone to not even make the first step. The uncertainty of it all. We are creatures of habit and change can bring lots of friction into our lives.

Learning to embrace and welcome change is everything in this life. Welcome the uncertainty. Make the decision that you deep down know is best for you and lean into what may come from it, even though you’ll never know what that may be till you get there. Taking things one day at a time as many sober people know, is such an essential way to live. Do what you can to find fulfillment today and trust that even though something feels hard and uncomfortable, you’re on a path for something new. Something different that you never could have once imagined for yourself.

The biggest reassuring thought thus far, is when I think about what my life would be like if I kept up with drinking. The writing was on the walls. My progression in life, if any, would slow down. My fears and insecurities would still be buried somewhere hard to find. My self worth would take hit after hit as I decided to drink each weekend even though I knew it was breaking me down. There was far more certainty in that life of mine. I was almost certain I would not be happy often, I would struggle to seek discomfort, I would make excuses for my actions, I would feel like everything I dreamed of is out of reach. That got scarier to me than leaning into uncertainty of making a drastic change to become the person I knew I want to become.

Life is all about choices and the best we can do it try to make the right ones. Sometimes we don’t and THEN the best we can do is try to learn from it. With all these trials and decisions, I have found it important for myself to lean into faith. Having faith that you will be rewarded in more ways than one if you stick with it. If you believe what your doing will better your life, stick with it, no matter how long it seems to be taking to get the results. In the early days of sobriety, I would hope and pray I could get some days like I have likely been having most of this year. I wished for days where my anxiety wasn’t so overbearing that I could comfortably leave my apartment for errands. I wished for more confidence in social settings. I wished for more of a sober social life. I wished to feel healthy. I am sure everyone knows those people that say “everything works out” and I feel like I am that person in a way because it is 100% true. Chalk it up to whatever you personally want to chalk it up to but you will be rewarded for prioritizing your well being and making brave decisions to lean into uncertainty, trust me someone or thing out there is seeing your dedication and desire to just get better.

Embrace the change.

I took a yoga class a week ago. I appreciate yoga and what it has done for my mindset the past several years. In shavasana, (or corpse pose) where you typically just lay flat after a 50 minutes of flowing and breathe, I thought “what if death was one long shavasana?”. I didn’t even know shavasana was called “corpse pose” when I had this thought or that the spiritual meaning of it was surrendering deeply to an energy that prepares us for the inevitable—our death. But in that moment while my body was exhausted and I eagerly laid down on the mat, shut my eyes, and exhaled I had the thought. What if this is what life after death feels like. Your body is exhausted from a long life and there is a sense of relief that it finally gets to rest. Your mind is still active and can observe the thoughts that pass. I thought about how important it would be to be content with all that you have done with your time here on this earth. If life after death was simply you and your thoughts, how would you wake up and live today. Maybe this is a mindset that some people already live with. If thoughts still pass and your mind is still capable of observing them after death, one must hope they are predominantly positive thoughts and leave you feeling happy about the memories and impact you’ve made. In my last blog post I mentioned reminding myself that everyone dies and how thinking that or saying it out loud puts a whole lot of things into perspective. I never really thought too deeply about my relationship with it until recently. Maybe it is getting older and understanding how fast time passes. I have thought a bit about my decision to get sober and if I didn’t choose to do that how different my life would be right now in this very moment. I have thought about how much work I have put into bettering myself and how that pursuit is never ending. I have thought about the balance of living presently while seeking growth for the future you. And just recently I have thought maybe just maybe at the end of it all, everything you work towards in this lifetime is to allow you to be at peace in a time not related to this existence. (Someone reading that probably is having a hard time believing I a sober and likely thinks I did DMT or some psychedelic recently) I think many people can relate in having a crisis, however big or small, from time to time where they wonder “what am I doing all of this for?”. It could be spending hours, months, years at a job that doesn’t serve you. It could be working to better yourself on a hobby that wont turn into a career. (me at the driving range trying to be as good as I once was at golf) It could be going for a daily walk. It could be anything that in the moment you dont really want to do but you kinda know in your gut you should. Maybe if you look at these things from a different perspective and do them to be at peace further down the line you will in turn be more present. Maybe this perspective will allow you to stop worrying about why you’re doing all these things. Do things today so that if you find yourself at one point in time incapable of doing them, you will be happy about doing it now.

A shoutout to the people who are actively in my life now that constantly remind me the importance of trying to be the best version of you. Surrounding yourself with others working hard on things that make them a positive person is the biggest motivating factor in my life thus far. You can surely change for the better alone but you definitely don’t have to and you truthfully shouldn’t. I am grateful for periods of isolation where I learned about myself, however I am immensely grateful for friends and relationships along the way that put self growth into perspective. Without a sense of community all good things lose value.

To quote the great Curtis Jackson “Sunny days wouldn’t feel so special, if it wasn’t for rain. Joy wouldn’t feel so good, if it wasn’t for pain. Death gotta be easy, cause life is hard”.

I recapped last year and did not make any new years resolutions. I guess if I had to tell someone my resolutions for 2024 it would just be to live presently. One day at a time. Just like they tell you to approach sobriety. I have never really liked breaking down the full year ahead and setting goals/plans. It is a long time and lots of things can change in a year. I have been doing my best to simply approach each day with a mentality that serves me. Recently it has been to control the controllable. I cannot control the fact that it has been cold outside, so I will not let that impact my feelings towards my day. Additionally, as doom and gloom as it may sound I have been reminding myself that everybody dies. Life is bigger than a job, the status of your finances, the car you drive, the house you live in, the amount of people you know, etc. What you have in front of you right now is important. What you aspire to have one day is nice too and will give you the strength to wake up each day with a growth mindset. Finding a balance between your aspirations and your current state is crucial. Lately I have found myself stressing my possible career and where my future financial status may be. All I can control are the job opportunity’s I have in front of me and my work ethic/attitude towards them. I have found success in following my gut and placing a majority of my value in the people I work with/for in terms of my professional life. I recently made the decision to continue doing that. It happened to result in a lot less money than previous jobs. I felt good about the decision though. I had some challenging back and forth thoughts but at the end of the day I had to trust myself and the people I would be connected with. It was a simple decision when it came down to it I just had to think about the things I value right now. What is important to me right now? What have I been enjoying as of late? What makes me feel good? What feels right? You have the answers to all those questions. Those answers help you take steps forward to progress. You will progress in life. It is inevitable if you believe in yourself and understand yourself. Maybe seeking growth is not necessarily doing what feels good but what feels right. It probably wont feel good to dedicate an entire day to a job you dislike but it may feel right. It may feel right because you are applying yourself to something that financially supports you today. It may feel right because you can conclude the day and have zero guilt. It may feel right because it gives you a better since of balance. If something in your life doesn’t feel good or right that may be when you need to seek change. Only you know what is best for you. Control what you can control. Think bigger picture. Everybody dies. It is a blessing to be alive. You matter because you exist.