Last Drop Blog

Everything good this past year has been from travel or connecting with friends and family. Things are memorable when things bring you joy or challenge you in a positive way. A solo travel trip, I can remember that pretty vividly because I am fairly introverted and traveling solo is challenging in a way. A trip with good friends, I am never more present in my life. Nothing going on outside of that pops into my mental. All the wealth I thought I wanted and admittedly still want will never trump connecting with great friends and experiences. Making lasting memories is what makes life enjoyable. So many good things to take out of this year that I cannot play the victim. Everything falls into place when it is meant to.

I have no idea what I am doing. I am a 26 year old sober person. At this moment I have no career. I know I am meant to be doing something good with my life. I do not know what I am passionate about. I do not have a dream job. I have minimal work experience. I havent stayed at a job longer than two years. I have found heavy dislike for a lot of what corporate America has to offer. I have made shit money. I have made great money. I have worked service jobs. I have worked mid-high level tech jobs. I feel as if not enough people are open about not knowing what they are doing. I feel like decisions get made in peoples lives and all of the sudden you look back on the time that has passed and wondered exactly how you got there. I am at times envious of people who say they enjoy their career. I also have a hard time believing them when they say it, maybe thats me projecting. I do not even know if a career I am passionate about is what I am looking for. I stress over money and then I dont. I express interest in a financially free lifestyle and then I dont. I recently have been re-evaluating my relationship with my finances. This is probably because I have zero income but you gotta role with the punches. I found myself in good situations because I left worse situations on the hunt for something better. This mainly correlates to my income. Some of the best professional relationships came from the places that I found myself in after quitting the places I hated. I appreciate any income and recognize I am privileged to even be in a situation to get a job and get paid. I dont appreciate feeling like I am earning something I dont deserve. If I dont like doing something I find myself having a hard time faking like I do. I got that way with drinking. I stopped enjoying it and it likely showed. I got that way with my first job out of college and a few others. I quit doing things I dont like doing. I guess thats a positive. I am becoming more and more skilled at eliminating things I do not get enjoyment out of. I feel as if nearly everything that has led up to this point in my life has been me falling into situations and me pulling myself out of them. The only thing I have had control over really is the second part. Sure I could say no to some jobs and make decisions to pull my life in different directions but at this point in time the best course of action is falling into shit and pulling myself out of it if I want to. Trying new shit. Thats what I got to do. Staying committed to trying new shit too. I mad an effort to blog when I was getting sober and I stayed committed. I truthfully dont enjoy blogging as much as I used to or maybe I just no longer enjoy talking about sobriety. I am in the process of interviewing people for a “sobriety” podcast but after a few interviews I do not even know if I enjoy conversing over that. I guess I just wanted to blog to say I have no idea what I am doing or what I want to do and if you dont either we have similarities. You just gotta stay committed to trying new shit. My full time job is trying new shit even if that means getting a new “full time job”.

Every once in a while I stumble across people discussing their story with alcohol. It could be just baked into my social media algorithms at this point. Regardless, I figured I would share.

Here is a blog post and video from Mark Manson the author of many books but the most notable one is “The Subtle Art of not Giving a F**k”.

Here is a video clip from The Modern Wisdom podcast where the host Chris Williamson and guest Mike Thurston discuss why they quit drinking or took a hiatus.

Here is a video clip from Steve-O’s podcast Wild Ride where guest and actor Josh Duhamel brings up his recent thoughts about quitting alcohol. Steve-O explains to Josh how there are different types of alcoholics and I personally relate to being a “problem drinker”. Not necessarily feeling dependent on alcohol doesn’t mean you do not have a problem.

Here is a video from a youtuber Clark Kegley breaking down his 365 days off alcohol.

Here is a article on how/why someone turned sober October into a much longer duration without alcohol.

Many of these videos are recent, within the last year or even 6 months. Removing or cutting back on alcohol is surely becoming more and more common in general. Millennials and GenZ’s are driving more demand for alternatives to alcoholic beverages. See this Forbes article. I even walked past a sober bar/event space the other day. There seems to be a large chunk of people with a desire to optimize their health and wellness and this commonly includes them removing drinking from their life. I see NoLo referenced from time to time as well these are beverages with no or a low percentage of ABV.

I feel as if for someone to make the decision to cut back or fully remove alcohol today, they should seek some comfort in the rising availability in sobriety content. Opening up with close friends about your feelings towards drinking is a great way to challenge yourself and get a gauge for where people around you may be at with it as well.

• It gets easier. Always a good reminder for those early on their sobriety journey. It truly gets easier. Never “easy”.
• So much time and energy was spent drinking or being affected by my drinking in my past life. Remembering my life hungover is still enough motivation to stay sober in itself. That shit sucked.
• It is your life and no one else’s. You realize that more and more as you decide to make serious changes for the betterment of your own self.
• It is far easier to talk about with friends, family, strangers. I think part of it is people are more aware of the negative impacts of drinking and part of it is just getting older.
• You wont know your left from your right until you get serious about removing detrimental habits from your life. There comes a point in time where it is crucial to ask yourself what is serving you and what isn’t. You do not have enough time to be involved with the things that dont.
• Love truly comes from within. You cant look outward for really anything in this life. Life gives you what you need not what you think you deserve.
• The sooner you sit with your shit the sooner you learn from it. Your problems aren’t going anywhere if you keep running from them.
• Everyone is battling something. Everyone must work to be happy. Comparison is the thief of joy. You likely have attributes that others admire and vice versa.
• You are not meant to be happy all the time. I now believe everyone should experience periods of loneliness and isolation to truly learn about yourself. When you feel the “uncomfortable” emotions you are being taught lessons.
• Life is difficult without close and meaningful relationships. Life is more difficult with only surface level and meaningless relationships.
• There are tons of good mocktail and non alcoholic drink options out there.
• I value clear mindedness way more than I ever thought I would.
• Life is short. Dont wait to make changes. You already know deep down what you need to do for your own good.
• The advice you find yourself giving to others in times of need will 100% work if you apply it to yourself as well.
• Feeling healthy both mentally and physically removes a lot of general stress. These are things you can work on today, right now.
• Confidence stems from staying true to the promises you made for yourself.
• It is your life do whatever you want to do with it. Dont live it for someone else.

If I can get sober you can too. If you think you have a problem with drinking, you likely do and thats ok. It is not rare to have a negative relationship with it. Is it worth the time and energy to become “a better drinker” or is your time and energy better spent improving your life in different ways?

I spent a long time trying to improve my relationship with alcohol while still drinking and it got to a point where I saw no benefit in doing that. I was and still am far better off removing it from my life entirely.

When you feel like you are doing the right things and life has got you down, keep pushing. I fully believe that in those times, when you stay true to who you are and what you believe you grow the most. Getting sober has taught me so many things about life already and I am still very early on this journey. The most important job that each and everyone of us have is to take care of ourselves. You are truly what matters most. It is not a selfish way of being. The more you consistently work to improve on this job, the more you begin to respect yourself and the others around you. The more you seek personal growth the more compassion you will have for others. You will find yourself in situations that make life feel hard, because it is. If you stay committed to the end goal of personal growth you will be putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. It doesn’t need to be getting sober for you. It may be things like challenging yourself to read more books, lose 20 pounds, switch careers, or just generally liking the person who you see in the mirror daily more often. I can guarantee you that a byproduct of seeking these challenges for yourself will lead to more compassion in your everyday life for the people around you. You will start to be more aware that everyone here is likely going through something challenging whether it is a self induced challenge for self improvement or a challenge that they unfortunately did not choose to fight. You will likely, without knowing, be a better person in your everyday life. (Stop looking for opportunities to be a better person)

This is essentially killing two birds with one stone. I think people view their relationship with others around them and their relationship with themselves as two different things. I do not believe it is in the slightest. Job 1a. is to take care of yourself. Job 1b. is to take care of the others around you that matter most. It is never job 1 and job 2.

It is not selfish to turn down an invite. This is something I struggle with from time to time especially since getting sober. I feel like I am just now getting better with the things I chose to do with my free time. What helps me first and foremost is knowing that truly no one would care if I did or did not show up to something. My good friends would know that I am likely not showing up to something because I know it would not serve me well. (and if they dont you should tell them thats the reason, they will understand). I have began to understand what socializing means to me. It has been a weird thing to uncover as it is still very new. I enjoy being social but it is no where near what “being social” likely means to a majority of people. If I have a true feeling that going out to be social would not serve me at the time, I have gotten much better at recognizing it and saying no with zero guilt. That zero guilt part wasn’t easy. It still isn’t from time to time but it is less often I find myself battling between “should I go or should I not?”. “Would I be treating myself better if I did not attend this event?” Is a great question to ask yourself. If it is an obvious yes, I would encourage you to say no AND make good use of your time. Try your best to not wallow in regret. Try to recognize that you are doing yourself a solid. Maybe a nice walk, gym sesh, homemade dinner, movie night, apartment clean etc. is exactly what you needed to get back on track and because you made that decision for yourself; you will feel a whole lot better in general. It will improve your feeling of self worth and maybe the next invite you get and accept, you will be incredibly grateful you took the time to stay in last time.

I am incredibly grateful that I have been staying consistent on this journey of self improvement. In my last blog I mentioned just generally feeling like shit and not really knowing why. I stayed consistent and didn’t steer too far off my path and I am so grateful I did. I hope that if someone is working on themselves out there and is not feeling rewarded by their work they keep pushing even if its one more day trying to achieve a goal. There is this willie nelson quote right outside my apartment “You will never find happiness until you stop looking for it”. It is important to put in the work to try and better yourself but try not to be so eager to reap the reward. It is coming when the time is right.

I have been having a hard time mentally lately. Just generally not doing well between my ears. I am very proud of how disciplined I have been through these tough times. I have tried incredibly hard to tell myself that when life gets uncomfortable it is likely because you are going through changes and you are not used to it yet. If you know deep down you are doing the things you should be doing to better yourself and you still feel shitty… keep going. You just may be changing as a person and that person is experiencing things with a fresh mind. It may be uncomfortable at first, like all things new. You may have shifted your perspectives on things and you are having a difficult time interpreting what is going on around you. Keep going. This new version of yourself that you have worked so hard to build may just need some time to get settled. This is where I am glad I have some discipline built up. I am grateful I am aware of opposite action or choosing to do the opposite of what your emotions tell you to do. Lately I have leveraged opposite action by taking a nap or at least trying. Must sound like a tough life… but hear me out. I can find myself so overwhelmed at times that I am questioning what I should go out and do. I come up with a handful of things like; meet up with friends, go to the gym, grab a coffee, grocery shop, clean my room, blog and then my mind just goes. I start getting hard on myself for not capitalizing on the moment and wasting my potential. It is my free time and I am just sitting here wasting it away I think to myself. But as I take the opposite action and attempt to lay down in bed and nap. I find that I am commonly overworked and tired. I find that all those things I was kicking my ass over not doing, I never really wanted to do in the first place. I feel incredibly refreshed and grateful that I gave my mind a chance to rest. I cannot explain to you how bad my mental was just this morning. I woke up and just felt crushed mentally. I had no real idea why either. These are the hard times, when I cannot point to anything specific going on in my life that would make me feel so down. I thought about how I am off my medication now and how I just may be depressed. I thought about how much work I have put into being physically fit the past few months and how much I did not feel rewarded by it. I thought about how lonely I have been feeling lately. I thought about how I could not think about anything that would have cheered me up. It is crazy when you are in that kinda mindset. I truly have come to believe in faith however and I am learning to be understanding of these dark times. I can learn from my feelings. I can act on them. I cannot be attached to them. I am impressed with how I handled the day today and how I am now here writing this blog in a different headspace. If it weren’t for feeling so shitty today and as of late, I wouldn’t have reconnected with my sober community. It has been months since I have been to an event with them and I decided to attend one tonight. It is almost like I re-discovered the importance of connecting with a sober community through these times. Loneliness cannot be solved by simply being around other people. You must feel connected. You must feel like you are serving them and they are serving you. I have been feeling like a total outsider for being 25, living in a city, and being sober. I needed to surround myself with other sober people and I am glad I did today. If you are younger and you have been wanting to get sober, you will not be an outsider. There are plenty of people just like you. You can and you will find them. Your true friends will still be your true friends outside of drinking and partying. You will have a better gauge on the new people you want to let into your life. I remember a few of the things holding me back from taking the leap to getting sober was wondering how I was going to meet new people. Trust me, when you commit to a life change like getting sober after having a negative relationship with drugs and alcohol, the things you once were concerned about will change. You likely need to work long and hard on yourself for a while and that is ok. It can be a beautiful thing when you start seeing the changes. So do not worry about what your life will be like “if you stopped drinking”. If you truly know drinking is bringing no benefit to your life and you have been wanting to stop for a while, simply think about the first day. Take things slow. Know you are not alone. Learn about yourself. Watch things progress. It will not be easy but it will get easier. I never believed that early on in my journey when I read that but now I truly do. Connect with other people on a similar journey to you and grow together. Progress feels weird because its new.

Took some notes while I was on around day 4 off my Zoloft (an SSRI for anxiety/depression).

Lots of irritability, brain fog, anger. These weird jolts or “brain zaps”  it’s like those moments when you feel yourself about to fall into a deep sleep but you jolt up. That has been happening often. 

It is pretty wild how simple and easy the process was to get on these meds and it was then fully on me to be aware of my medication and decide when enough was enough. I have read stories of people being on SSRI’s for years, even a majority of their life. I know SSRI’s were good for a short period of time in my life. They helped me get out of dark places and allowed me to maintain a career. I was considering just stopping work outright at one point before I got on medication because I felt so overwhelmed by my emotions and life. 

But damn, once you get out of that place it is on no one but you to decide if the medication is still needed. Withdrawals are no joke and people need to know that. I have been more prepared for this go around. I am giving it a true honest shot. Everything and I mean just about everything can piss you off if you let it when withdrawing from zoloft. I have found myself on edge, irritable, jittery, confused, and just generally spacy. I think it may be easy to assume this is just how you felt before you were medicated but trust me it is not. You do withdraw from SSRI’s and withdrawal symptoms can take some time. I know that these doctors know that these medications have these withdrawal symptoms but I was never once made fully aware. It is on you to do your research. It is on you to know that you may not be feeling “your normal anxiety” back after two days off your SSRIs.

Now that is has been over two weeks off of my medication fully. I can confidently say that the withdrawal symptoms are not foreshadowing what is yet to come for my time off the medication. It took around 5-10 days for these symptoms to slow down or become far less noticeable. Other symptoms or reactions to note: crazy vivid dreams, fluctuating appetite, drowsiness (needed naps often), sweats.

I think it is so crazy that you can schedule an appointment with your doctor, briefly discuss feeling anxious and overwhelmed and walk out with a prescription for these meds with no talks about how they will truly make you feel. Maybe my doctor experience was different but I highly highly doubt it. I think about the amount of kids who may be prescribed these medications, the amount of people who may be on these meds for years and years, the amount of people on not one prescription but a handful, and it makes me confused and angry.

I am glad I was prepared for the withdrawals this time around. I took my heightened emotions, anger, shortness with others, tiredness, and general physical feelings as withdrawals and understood they would pass in a few days. I hope someone who may be trying to get off these types of meds (ssri’s) and they are serious about it can understand that some of the feelings while tapering off and fully stopping them are the meds leaving your body. It is not your anxiety fully coming back like a massive wave. Some of the emotions and feelings are unavoidable and that is ok, you will get through it and it will pass. I am no doctor or pharmacist but through a few google searches I found this “The symptoms of SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome usually last for one to three weeks. The severity of the withdrawal symptoms will vary depending on how long a person had been taking Zoloft. In many cases, people will experience rebound depression or anxiety when they stop taking the medication.”

If you are on these meds and feel like you are in a good place in your life because of them, that is great. I attribute some of my success in getting out of a dark place in my life to the medication. But not all of it. You shouldn’t either. You have likely put in some serious work on yourself, your body and mind to work alongside the meds. If you have gotten to a point where you truly feel like you want to live a life off of the prescription medication I would definitely tell your therapist, doctor, close friends and family. I would tell you to trust the work that you put in to get you to this place. Know that you likely now know many healthy coping habits that can get you out of a bad headspace. Know that the meds are still there if you ever get to a point where you feel like you need the additional assistance. I have felt more alive the last few weeks and it has been a good feeling. Sure, some emotions get overwhelming because they were until recently being suppressed by meds but I will take the trade off. Hope this helps anyone with questions or concerns about these meds.

I am in the process of tapering off my meds. I am no doctor but I have some thoughts on ssri’s, anti anxiety/depression meds. First off, I think my meds greatly helped me level out at a certain point in time. They allowed me to stop thinking about how shitty I was feeling mentally. They allowed me to get started on daily tasks I otherwise would have put off because I was so overwhelmed by my mental state. I truly feel like I needed something to help me early on in my sobriety journey and that is why I set up an appointment with my doctor to begin with. I can’t say I am against these meds in anyway. I do however just have a few thoughts and takes on my experiences that may help others who are considering speaking to a doctor about getting on/off meds for anxiety.

First off, it was so easy to get prescribed these types of medications. I scheduled a 30 minute check in with my doctor one morning and on my way home I was heading to CVS to pick up to pill bottles. The doctor openly said that at least one of the prescription drugs was not intended to be an anti-anxiety drug but it was anti-habit forming and could assist. They will never tell you that these meds will 100% help you. I don’t think they can. They kinda just write you some scripts and ask you to report back in a few weeks.

They impacted the way I felt very quickly. I took buspirone and zoloft when I was first prescribed. When I first took Buspirone I felt in come on within the first 20 mins. I actually would compare the heavy chest feeling I got to taking molly/ecstasy minus the fun stuff when that passed. Zoloft took a bit longer and was less noticeable. In general, I remember just feeling groggy and zombie like for a bit till I started to get accustomed to being on them.

My anxiety was never fully gone just because I took anti-anxiety meds. I didn’t expect it to be and I don’t think you should either. In moments when I would expect my anxiety to be bad I just noticed it was less extreme.

I appreciated the medication at times. I also hated being on them at times. I felt like I lost some of my quick wittiness, sense of humor, and general excitement from being on the meds. They prevent my lows from being too low but in return they prevent my highs from being too high.

I have already felt odd tapering off. This is the second time I have tapered off my meds. The first time was difficult and I ended up getting back on the meds shortly after. I was only a few months sober then. These medications while not advertised as habit forming certainly feel that way getting off of them. I typically take my meds at night and in the past few days tapering off I have found myself wanting to take half earlier in the day because I feel like I want/need to take some. Kind of a fucked feeling if you ask me.

In the past I felt nausea, trouble sleeping, lack of appetite, mood swings, and general intensified emotions getting off my meds. Just like it takes time for the meds to stop working it certainly takes time for the meds to fully leave your body. This time around I am giving it a solid shot at getting off them for the time being. Could I get back on them? Of course. If things get too intense and I start noticing a decline in my day to day life I will look to the meds for assistance. This time around I am just trying to keep it top of mind that these meds consistently make me feel watered down and can suck to get off once your on.

Some of the reasons I am deciding to get off include being sober for a much longer period of time, being more comfortable with coping mechanisms when shit gets shitty, feeling physically healthy, and truthfully I want to maybe get to the point where I experiment micro dosing with psilocybin and it is not recommended to be on ssri’s and consume any other types of drugs.

We will see how things go. I have no expectations other than the fact that I will give getting off my meds a solid effort. I think it is important to be cautious of what you are putting into your body daily and that absolutely should include prescription medication.

Admittedly I wrote this earlier this month for myself but figured I would share as I try and post at least once a month on here.

I have a hard time sitting still

Sitting still does not slow me down. Sometimes I am wondering if I am always going to be chasing something. A better vacation, a better job, a better girl, a better car, a better place, you name it. Part of this I use to my advantage because I can get my self up and get out of a funk because sitting around and doing nothing makes me feel like shit so often. I need a full jam packed day of productivity for me to truly enjoy sitting down on a couch or my bed and unwinding. I wonder if taking time to slow down needs to be getting comfortable with sitting still. I wonder if I need to meditate more. I wonder if I need to give people more of a chance before I cut them out of my life. I wonder if people in my life currently aren’t good for me. I wonder if I am financially secure to take more risks. I wonder if I spend too much time wondering. I wonder if everyone has these thoughts. I wonder if drinking in moderation for people who can is beneficial to shutting off for a bit. I wonder if getting off my meds will put me in a funk. 

All the time I have these thoughts and truly I wonder if other people do too. I think one of the many reasons I have a problem with drinking is the fact that I have to work really hard to shut my brain off for a bit. And getting drunk was a fast track to that. That’s not to say I haven’t been able to unwind and shut off at all. I have, it’s just not as often. But maybe that makes those moments even more enjoyable. Maybe my racing brain and feeling that I need to be on the go all the time will propel me to places I only dreamt of going. Maybe these thoughts are protecting me from bad choices. I have so much to be grateful for, so many people in my life that have care about me and teach me lessons, so many opportunities I never imagined having. It is ok to want more from yourself and to want more out of life. I find it hard to balance being content with where I am at now and enjoying myself and working to be the best version of myself. I owe it to the people I care about to slow down from time to time. To talk less and listen more. I owe it to myself to stay creative and to keep the passion for self improvement alive. These are all things I struggle balancing. In the grand scheme of things I am incredibly blessed. I think in your mid 20s life can be all over the place. At least from what I’ve experienced to this point. People come and go. Loneliness is a constant. Second guessing yourself happens often. A ton of introspection. A ton of trial and error. But also a ton of memories and a ton of lessons to be learned for the future. 

You can view this time in your life if you find yourself going through it as laying the foundation. Maybe you’re trying to see if people in your life currently will keep you stable and healthy in your future, if a career is fulfilling and beneficial to you, if your habits are bad or good… etc. 

I worry a lot. So if you do too we are in the same boat. I say this often but odds are you are doing a lot better than you think. 

One note I took from this now looking back and reading it is staying creative. I think everyone owes it to themselves to stay creative in a world right now where it is so easy to be consumed by external influences. For me I try to flex my creativity in my writing but for others it can vary. Staying creative or “flexing your creative muscles” is a great way to learn about yourself and to take pride in your individuality. It also opens so many doors to new thoughts and new thoughts typically lead to new actions.

• Do you still go out?
  • I get this one probably the most often. Especially people close to my age (25). The short answer is yes, sometimes. I go out way way less than I used to which is probably obvious as I dont drink. If I am not with a close group of friends, I have a hard time getting myself to go to a bar/club/place that is heavily surrounded around drinking. When I do go out I typically do not stay long, a few hours max. I still enjoy concerts, honestly I enjoy concerts more now cause I remember the music and songs. I just do not see the value in going out unless it is what close friends want to do. I am typically not the most comfortable at the bars/clubs. I enjoy socializing and connecting with others but not so much when I am sober and they are drunk. Some bars and venues are more welcoming than others and some nights I have really enjoyed myself so I try to keep testing the waters. For the most part I would prefer to meet friends for dinner, grab a coffee, workout, take a walk/hike etc.
• Did it suck?
  • I think people have asked me this in regards to getting started. Yes. At times it sucked a lot. I may have been in a worse spot than someone who is simply looking to cut alcohol out of their life for general health and wellness. I had a problem with drinking. Everyones path is and will be different. Mine sucked for about 6 months or so. It eventually got to be the norm. It got less uncomfortable to talk about to others, it got easier to look past the fomo, I physically and mentally started feeling better after about 6 months.
• Do you miss it?
  • No. Not nearly enough to want to start drinking again. I have had nights out sober and gone to places sober where I had moments that made me second guess everything BUT I have always woken up the next morning happy I did not drink. My life has significantly improved since removing alcohol.
• What do you do to escape/unwind?
  • It varies all the time. This week happened to be taking yoga classes. Sometimes it’s taking a long walk. Sometimes its grabbing coffee with friends. Listening to music. Cleaning my room/space. Cooking a meal. Or watching tv/movies. All typical shit you would do with your free time. I have simply had more time to do these things now that I do not drink.
• Why dont you drink?
  • Alcohol is the one drug that you can tell people you dont do and they will assume you have a problem. In my case I had and have a problem. I drank to the point of blacking out nearly every-time I drank. BUT if people ask you this you don’t owe them an in depth response. I think it is becoming more norm for people to simply stop drinking because they see little to no value in doing it. That makes me happy. I truly enjoy spending time with friends and socializing with others when drinking is not the main focus. I first had a problem and that got me to stop, my physical health was terrible and my mental was not far behind. Once I stopped, I slowly started seeing how little value drinking to socialize had. I find more valuable connections and interactions with others while sober.

I may open up a full Q and A on my IG or something. With dry January wrapping up and people generally trying to stay true to new year’s resolutions I would enjoy answering others questions about not drinking.

If I can quit drinking you can too. If that is what you want to do of course.