Last Drop Blog

Friday night 11:02pm. Just got back from dinner and a movie with a family member. Full disclosure, I have not been the best at pushing myself lately. I am doing what I can to get through my days with a decent headspace. I 100% urge others who are getting sober to push themselves to do things they do not think they want to do. In the early days of sobriety saying no to a party, dinner, game etc. is OK and at times encouraged. These can be triggers early on and may get you to start talking yourself into a few drinks. But now that I am 70 days sober I feel as if I have a firm grasp on choosing not to drink. This I am grateful for. I don’t have many urges. I don’t crave a beer after a work week…. I don’t think I ever enjoyed the taste of a cold beer before to be honest. At this stage, I should be pushing myself to get out and do things that are outside of my comfort zone. You are never going to be feeling 100% every single day. Hell, if I felt 100% just two days a week it would be a miracle. Those days when you wake up feeling 20% and do not want to do shit…. and I mean shit. You want to snooze, call out of work, not eat, not leave your room. You need to push yourself. Granted, once in a while your body and mind need a day where you truly don’t do shit. But be very careful, do not start stringing these days together. For me, right now, a 20% day where I don’t take action…. I am screwed. That will lead to an entire week of working from my bed, sleeping late, eating shit, not moving my body. And this is what happened last week. In turn, my headspace went to shit and I am still recovering now. I don’t even really want to be writing this blog but I should be so I am.

Here is why I believe I need to start pushing yourself around this stage of sobriety.

• I am past the point of having urges. I see the benefits of not drinking and accept that not drinking is my new way of life.
• I have spent enough nights on my own avoiding the weekend buzz. This was needed early on but is not needed now.
• I don’t know what is fun and what sucks. Without drinking, I havent determined what is still a fun activity and what isnt. I probably wont enjoy a big party BUT I havent checked it off the list yet.
• Being sober in situations I commonly would not have been leads to growth! This is the important one.

Getting sober has truly be step 1 of 1000 for my self development. It has opened doors upon doors of things I can work to improve on. This is definitely overwhelming most of the time. Because these things are laid out in front of me staring me down and I don’t have much of an escape. My escape used to be a quick 12 drinks on a Friday night. However, it is important to understand I would not have become more aware of these “problems” if I did not choose to first get sober. It is also important to understand that these “problems” lead to opportunities for personal growth. My biggest problem right now is my anxiety. If I kept drinking like I used to I would not be able to stand face to face with my anxiety and make an honest attempt to improve.

Oh and a quick quote from the movie I watched tonight. “The Proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” Something to think on. Be kind to yourself. Life is hard but you only get one of them so use it wisely.

You hear this analogy in relation to life often. It is valid.

Early sobriety is a big valley and it is very overcast in said valley. The peaks may certainly be out there but they are being blocked by the clouds. I am learning that it is ok to be in this valley and accept that I will be for a while. It is normal. I just read an article and PAWS was referenced (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome). It makes you feel sad for a while. They mentioned that this occurs when the brain is recalibrating itself. After drinking almost every weekend for close to 8 years my brain mayyy be recalibrating for some time.

I am writing this in bed on Saturday night. I just left a pregame at a friends apartment after being there for maybe an hour or so. I didn’t have much to say to anyone, I am truly super selfish right now for good reason so chatting it up with friends hasn’t been the same. “How are things?” “What did you do last night?” “When is your trip?” to be quite honest… I don’t care to hear about any of that. I have a focus and the focus is on me and my sobriety. I know that focus will change as I get more comfortable and I will be able to start doing things a little less selfishly. But for now, it is just me.

I am on day 49 of sobriety that is very early. However, I am happy about that number. This is the longest I have gone since I first started drinking. Being at a pregame and not drinking sucked. My vibes are pretty low, I feel like a buzzkill, I don’t have much interest in conversation. I haven’t really explained to anyone my situation. I told maybe one or two friends and my immediate family members. If the time comes, maybe I will explain why I am working on sobriety. Probably wont be going back to many pregames anytime soon.

I watched the documentary on Netflix called “Untold: Breaking Point” last night. It was about Mardy Fish a world famous tennis player. He competed with Nadal, Federer, Roddick and before a major match he shockingly withdrew due to severe anxiety. I couldn’t have watched this at a better time. Getting sober has brought a wave of anxiety over me constantly. I am learning this is normal. Instead of binging all weekend and having sunday scaries (occasionally resulted in full blown panic attacks) I have mild but constant anxiety. I know if I choose to drink sure it will temporarily soothe that fast heartbeat and racing mind but it will have a slingshot effect when I come down with a hangover and I will more than likely have awful awful anxiety. Now, I am just living with the anxiety, although more mild than post bender anxiety, it is much more frustrating and draining. Full transparency there hasn’t been many good days thus far in my sobriety, maybe none at all. I cant imagine if you drank like me and are around my age (24) you will have many good days either at the 50 day point if you choose sobriety. I KNOW I am not alone and that documentary was a great reminder. So if you are down in the dumps and staying in while all your “friends” are out maybe watch the story of Mardy Fish and be inspired by his turnaround.

Please note I put ” ” around friends because I am starting to realize that people who I called friends are more so just drinking buddies. You will hear many sober people mention this realization.

I want to have there be positivity here, I truly do. But I don’t want to be full of shit. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I don’t have much energy or patience. Yes, I will keep going. Sometimes I guess you just need to weather the storms in the valleys to get to the peaks.

That is all for now… stay tuned for positivity. I have faith that it is coming.

Now, I have never been to an AA meeting but I am fairly certain that would be followed up with “and I am an alcoholic”.

By my own definition I wouldn’t be considered an alcoholic. This is because I don’t wake up on a random Tuesday morning and pour myself a drink, I don’t log onto work drunk, I don’t drink 7 days a week, and I don’t live under a bridge (yet at least).

However…..

• When I do drink… I drink until I get to the last drop every-time.
• I start drinking and I don’t stop until I lay my head down on hopefully my pillow (its been floors, couches, streets *once*)

I don’t drink anymore. I wont say I will never drink again for a few reasons that I may get into later. But for today, right now, I do not drink.

About me:

• I am 24 years old and work a full time job in the podcast industry
• I graduated from college in 2019
• I don’t know what my hobbies are since I no longer drink (will update as I grow)
• I am writing this in my bed on a Friday night at about 9pm

To most people and even my close friends this may come as a bit of a shock. “Will doesn’t drink anymore?!?” is what I would imagine some may say. When it comes to drinking and partying… I checked off just about every box… the good and the bad.

Long story short, I have gotten every last drop out of drinking and enough is enough.

I used alcohol as a crutch for almost 8 whole years of my life. I still vividly remember my first buzz… I was a junior in High School at the young age of 16. I snuck shots of Bacardi and chased it with some green tea drink that was lying around at my childhood home. I did this by myself while evading my parents and waiting for a friend to pick me up. He eventually arrived and we were off to the Friday night football game (I wasn’t playing obviously, I was drunk). I loved every second of that buzz and the warmth that came over me. (Red Flag Alert). I was protected. That shy baby faced 16 year old who said maybe 12 words a day in high school was now an entirely different person. With the help of that Bacardi I was a menace that could talk to anyone and everyone. I had found IT… my cheat code. The secret sauce. The one thing that seemed to solve all my problems.

Little did I know it wasn’t solving any of my problems. It was simply pushing them further and further away. The fun that alcohol had initially brought me quickly wore out. I started needing one more beer, then 4 more, then a mixed drink, then a pull from a Burnett’s bottle. “Oh were going to this pregame… ok I need a few more shots then I’m down” “Oh that bar… I can only be in that place if I am hammered”.

The days, weekends, months, and years went by. I started getting hangovers that would last 3-4 days. Instead of skipping classes, I started skipping full work days. I went to the hospital a handful of times and have had countless doctors visits. I got in trouble with the law. I ruined relationships. I started hating who I was….

The first 30 days of my sobriety.

I am no expert. I have not gone to treatment or AA. I am not a doctor. I am however 41 days sober as I write this. 30 days was a great achievement for myself. It is the longest I have been sober in years and I mean years. I tried sober months, weekends, taking it easy, a few beers and go home, mixing in water, eating a big meal before drinking. You name it, I have tried it when it comes to controlling my drinking. I failed my past two attempts at sober October. This time it was different. I think I just really abused my body bad enough to say I am getting to 30 days. It started after a work trip to… of all places, Nashville. Not an ideal place to be working on your sobriety. I didn’t set any guidelines for myself on this work trip. However, I do recall saying “I will be proud of myself if I come back from Nashville having not had a sip of alcohol.” This did not happen. Let me preface this by saying that this was my second work trip with this company and on the first one I blacked out night one. Just woke up in my hotel room with nothing going on in that old head of mine and stumbled my way down to a 9am meeting with a bottle of Pedialyte waiting for me from my boss. This just so happened to be a few days after ending a short lived relationship and I wasn’t in the best headspace. Fast forward a few months and mix in several blackouts along the way, I am in Nashville. I really tried not to drink. I told my co-workers I would go out with them and party one night. I did. I blacked out. A video circled around after of me shitfaced dancing around the bar. A missed call from a co-worker asking where I had gone. 6-7 hours of zero memory probably roaming the streets of downtown Nashville. That was kind of it…. I just realized that I will never be a person who can go out and just get buzzed or just the “perfect” amount of drunk. If I had two beers you might as well call me an uber and send me home because it was soon to be blackout number 278 of my life. Thats not an exactly accurate number, but I would not be shocked if its something like that. So I got back to Boston (my home city) and I just kind of sat with my thoughts. I joined a reddit thread r/stopdrinking and made a post and anonymously told this community that I was done. I have had enough and at the spry age of 24 I am stopping drinking. And I stopped. And I haven’t had a drink since then. It’s been hard…. really really really hard. I was bored as shit and still am. I realized my entire social life was centered around drinking. I realized I truly don’t have that many close friends around me (physically at least). I realized the only time I spoke to women with the intent of dating or expressing interest in them I was drunk or close to it. I realized that part of me is still that shy baby faced 16 year old junior in high school I referenced in my first blog “My name is Will…”. As you can imagine all of these realizations hitting you after what I would describe as an on and off 8 year bender can be a lot to take in. I have been down and anxious for a lot of these days. I have looked to exercise and sleep to assist. I have journaled nearly every day. I have looked to youtube videos, podcasts, books, online communities. I realized I am not the only person in their early 20’s that has a problem with alcohol. I also realized I can use this “boring” sober time to share my journey, my story, my reasons why. And maybe, just maybe, I will help someone. I will meet new friends. I will grow as a person.